So I remember a post quite like this about a year ago and it seems so much different from that year ago. I'm still that nerdy girl that loves anime and manga and Yaoi and girls as well as guys and I'm still that same girl that messes up and makes mistakes and has to say sorry a million times only to make the same mistakes again. I also still don't like myself very much, but I'm learning to change that. There's all these things that are the same, both good and bad and I can't help but wonder about the things that are different, and that make me the kind of person I am, and want to be. I know that me and God are in a better place. I know that I'm getting help for my depression...and my anxiety. I know I want to write again, and draw. Something that I'm gonna try and do. If I draw or paint anything. I'll be sure to try and post it up here so that I can show you guys what I'm doing. I think that's what I really need right now. To have someone to talk to, and show things to, and grow with. To tell them that I want to date, I want to write, I want to be in a better relationship with God, and I want to fix myself. My depression. That's really hard. Inside I know that I want to get better, and I can write about all these amazing things I want for myself, and these truths, but it doesn't seems to matter sometimes. Because I can't get past this wall that I've put up. This wall that seems to block me from being there for people, or people being there for me. This wall that stops me from socializing and making friends. I still don't have any friends at school besides my roommates. And it's my fault really. I'm not that great at making them lol. But I guess I can try right. But before all that I need to see what my Doctor says about my depression. I haven't told her yet that I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago. . . I've never tried strangling myself...and I think what scared me was that it felt really good. Feeling dizzy, pulling tighter on the strings. That chocking sensation. Kinda morbid I know, but it was still really scary. And it wasn't the actual act that was scary, but rather the voice in my head that told me to do it, and then my hands following through. At the moment I felt nothing. Now it just seems scary...haha well here's to the start of a new year, and here's to the start of a new semester, and a new treatment plan. . . oh, and I'll tell you all about my journals latter on and about my weight loss one as well. That should be fun. 90 days of hell...lol, well till next time.
M.S.W- To be more changes come 2014
Here we go again. I'm really screwing up aren't I? I need to fix whats broken...my mind. I had another session with my Doctor today. That was fun. She showed me how to breathe. So much fun... I have a doctor. Damn. Well what did I expect. Depression and anxiety. Usually a combination of death. ooh, the trill of a good death. That use to refer to a book. A movie...not to my life. My pathetic life.
Its been awhile. I want to say I'm sorry, but it'll happen again...and again. Or maybe it will suddenly stop. Not so suddenly. haha.
Why is it so hard to be perfect. To not mess up. to not feel so broken. so left alone. so lost. I hate this thing they call depression. So full of anger and hate and regret. So good at pushing people away. Anxiety. So good at keeping people away. Panic attacks I suffer alone. Oh, the irony of suddenly being alone. So alone. I wanted it. Needed it. Now I regret it. No one to stop me. Save me. . .
I'm home alone tonight. I'm actually scared. Theses feelings of anxiety have grown so much. Feelings of being worthless. Why can't I just self harm like any other person. Or better yet take the pills that so mocking laugh at me. Now more than ever.
Fuck. Make the pain go away. I beg of you God. Please. . . no...wait...Just do as you please. My cries. My pleas. My request. Is it enough? Do I need to come closer? Become stronger? Become strong?
Forgive me I am weak. Guide me I am lost. So lost.
Fuck! I'm so weak! So fucking weak!
M.S.W - I truly want to die... but I should stay strong...
So surprise surprise,I'm struggling again. I just booked an appointment with counselling at my school and I'm terafied for how that might pan out. The last time I went I was okay with it...mostly...maybe not. It was hard to describe. I think I might have just expected so much. And I didn't really want her to solve my problems but to rather give me ways that I could figure it out time and time again as life went on. I went to the office at my school and made the appointment through a phone service. It felt kinda weierd, but mostly because I have phone issues and try to avoid them at all cost.
But anyways, I made the appointment becuase the doctor I went to before kinda strongly suggested that I go through with it after I did this anxiety and depression test. and surprise surprise I have high anxiety and regular depression. The only thing I'm happy about is that it's not severe. Like it was a couple months ago. I've been feeling myself withdraw from people the last few weeks and its funny cause I'm aware of it, and probably strong enough to stop it, but that's what makes this time around different from before. I simple don't care at all. I'm a real horrible person in that sense. It took a few friends to realize that I need to get my act togeether. It was seven months ago that I was planning my death. Saying that here just sounds so scary. I can't seem to figure out why at the moment. But I had it set in my mind that at the end of march I was going to die. I even wrote down a list. Right now Its no where near as bad, and I'm glad for that, but it doesn't seem any easier. Not that my sleep is affected I feel like nothing matters, and that I have no control over anything. I have to go now, my bus is coming, but maybe I'll finish this latter. Till another time; till another moment.
M.S.W -To get through this day in one piece.