So my sisters just finished putting make up on me and it's been crazy. They took a bunch of pictures and although I feel kind of weird and have no idea of how this really looks it was nice to have this moment of random fun. Today was a little difficult and even though I was feeling really sad a few hours ago I feel just a bit better. But I know the feeling will pass. As all feelings seem too. But it's okay. I'm getting help. At least soon. I might be on medication soon if the sessions with my therapist don't work so well. But my counsellor has high hopes. So I'm not sure haha. Anyways. I have work tomorrow and make up to wash off. Here's a product of my work.
So I remember a post quite like this about a year ago and it seems so much different from that year ago. I'm still that nerdy girl that loves anime and manga and Yaoi and girls as well as guys and I'm still that same girl that messes up and makes mistakes and has to say sorry a million times only to make the same mistakes again. I also still don't like myself very much, but I'm learning to change that. There's all these things that are the same, both good and bad and I can't help but wonder about the things that are different, and that make me the kind of person I am, and want to be. I know that me and God are in a better place. I know that I'm getting help for my depression...and my anxiety. I know I want to write again, and draw. Something that I'm gonna try and do. If I draw or paint anything. I'll be sure to try and post it up here so that I can show you guys what I'm doing. I think that's what I really need right now. To have someone to talk to, and show things to, and grow with. To tell them that I want to date, I want to write, I want to be in a better relationship with God, and I want to fix myself. My depression. That's really hard. Inside I know that I want to get better, and I can write about all these amazing things I want for myself, and these truths, but it doesn't seems to matter sometimes. Because I can't get past this wall that I've put up. This wall that seems to block me from being there for people, or people being there for me. This wall that stops me from socializing and making friends. I still don't have any friends at school besides my roommates. And it's my fault really. I'm not that great at making them lol. But I guess I can try right. But before all that I need to see what my Doctor says about my depression. I haven't told her yet that I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago. . . I've never tried strangling myself...and I think what scared me was that it felt really good. Feeling dizzy, pulling tighter on the strings. That chocking sensation. Kinda morbid I know, but it was still really scary. And it wasn't the actual act that was scary, but rather the voice in my head that told me to do it, and then my hands following through. At the moment I felt nothing. Now it just seems scary...haha well here's to the start of a new year, and here's to the start of a new semester, and a new treatment plan. . . oh, and I'll tell you all about my journals latter on and about my weight loss one as well. That should be fun. 90 days of hell...lol, well till next time.
Here we go again. I'm really screwing up aren't I? I need to fix whats broken...my mind. I had another session with my Doctor today. That was fun. She showed me how to breathe. So much fun... I have a doctor. Damn. Well what did I expect. Depression and anxiety. Usually a combination of death. ooh, the trill of a good death. That use to refer to a book. A movie...not to my life. My pathetic life. Its been awhile. I want to say I'm sorry, but it'll happen again...and again. Or maybe it will suddenly stop. Not so suddenly. haha. Why is it so hard to be perfect. To not mess up. to not feel so broken. so left alone. so lost. I hate this thing they call depression. So full of anger and hate and regret. So good at pushing people away. Anxiety. So good at keeping people away. Panic attacks I suffer alone. Oh, the irony of suddenly being alone. So alone. I wanted it. Needed it. Now I regret it. No one to stop me. Save me. . . I'm home alone tonight. I'm actually scared. Theses feelings of anxiety have grown so much. Feelings of being worthless. Why can't I just self harm like any other person. Or better yet take the pills that so mocking laugh at me. Now more than ever. Fuck. Make the pain go away. I beg of you God. Please. . . no...wait...Just do as you please. My cries. My pleas. My request. Is it enough? Do I need to come closer? Become stronger? Become strong? Forgive me I am weak. Guide me I am lost. So lost.
Fuck! I'm so weak! So fucking weak!
M.S.W - I truly want to die... but I should stay strong...
Yesterday I wanted to kill myself. I right now feel so broken that I'm not sure how I'm fuctioning. I wanted to talk to someone yesterday but no one was there. My roommate helped me out. And of it wasn't for her I might have cut again.
The thought to self harm was so strong. I had. No I have so much hatred and sorrow coursing through me right now. People formatted to me but they do. I've been trying to put up this front. But I'm really broken. So broken. So scared. I cut off myself from the lives of my friends and it blew up in my face. Same with when I did it with my family. I hate feeling so stupid and useless. I shouldn't have cut myself off. I thought I could keep this facade of being strong. So by cutting people off I was supposed to be able to figure it out and act as of I never left. But in my absence I've become broken. Like absolutely broken. I want to drag a blade through my arm. And induce myself in a sleep that's never ending. I needed someone last night and I almost messaged me ex. Like ugh. He would make me feel worse. But can I feel worse then right now. I want Rosie. But I can't yet. I know of two people that it would destroy. And I love them so dearly.
I'm aware I need help. I'm trying to get help. But yesterday. Yesterday moved me back so much. I can't stop crying.
M.S.W--- To fucking get rid of this depression. And I'm sorry everyone.
So surprise surprise,I'm struggling again. I just booked an appointment with counselling at my school and I'm terafied for how that might pan out. The last time I went I was okay with it...mostly...maybe not. It was hard to describe. I think I might have just expected so much. And I didn't really want her to solve my problems but to rather give me ways that I could figure it out time and time again as life went on. I went to the office at my school and made the appointment through a phone service. It felt kinda weierd, but mostly because I have phone issues and try to avoid them at all cost.
But anyways, I made the appointment becuase the doctor I went to before kinda strongly suggested that I go through with it after I did this anxiety and depression test. and surprise surprise I have high anxiety and regular depression. The only thing I'm happy about is that it's not severe. Like it was a couple months ago. I've been feeling myself withdraw from people the last few weeks and its funny cause I'm aware of it, and probably strong enough to stop it, but that's what makes this time around different from before. I simple don't care at all. I'm a real horrible person in that sense. It took a few friends to realize that I need to get my act togeether. It was seven months ago that I was planning my death. Saying that here just sounds so scary. I can't seem to figure out why at the moment. But I had it set in my mind that at the end of march I was going to die. I even wrote down a list. Right now Its no where near as bad, and I'm glad for that, but it doesn't seem any easier. Not that my sleep is affected I feel like nothing matters, and that I have no control over anything. I have to go now, my bus is coming, but maybe I'll finish this latter. Till another time; till another moment.
So I'm on my way to my life group and this time I'm going alone. I'm really happy that I can get this chance to do it alone. I sometimes feel weird going with people I know because I sometimes can't be free to speak what I want because I don't want then to know everything. . . yet. But that's whatever lol. Here's to a good night
So it's really day 1 of my crazy 40 day challange see as my partner in crime kinda messed up the first day. But that's okay. Because yesterday felt good. Even as I rushed to the finally stages of the day trying to get things done and checked I felt like today was a but if growth for me. And even though I still have like three more of the five left to do for today I know that I can get it done. I know that I'm growing and in reflecting on the post yay I made yesterday which in hindsight sounded like it might have been bad. Sorry about that. But I feel like I needed it. I need to figure myself out. I need to stop hating my self. I need to get my act together. I also want to live and feel like things have purpose. I want to learn and I want to feel passionate about something tht is so much a part of me that I can't help but breathe in its very being. People tell I'm meant amazing things. And it's slowly starting to dawn. And as I keep on walking. Doing everything to put one foot in front of the other. I know that one day. I'll turn around and see all theses things that I got through. I'll see the path that I walked. The dangers that I overcame and I'll know that I truly became stronger because of it. So here's to that journey that I still have to make.
So this one is going to be quick. I tried to post this on my computer. Or wrote it but that didn't work so I'm on my phone again. Anywho. Here's a quick update on life. I had a coffee date with this guy online and he didn't show. Kinda said but it's okay I guess. Made me feel shitty. But a lot of things do. So stuff with friends is okay. But frankly I'm kinda sick of people. And it has nothing to do with actually friends. But in terms of me. I'm tired of being that go to friend when something is up. And honestly at the end of the day it really is fine but when I need one of my friends to just really give me their time. Show me they care or that they want to help. Like this week for example. I did a shit loud of binging and starving. I tell or hint at people mostly so that they could help me because I didn't want to or I didn't know how. And I know it's being needy. But my friends are the same way too. And so I went for the truth when my friends were telling me a problem. They didn't seem to like that. Well tough love. I'm going though shut too. And again I realize I'm being selfish. But just allow me this for this period. Cause honestly speaking I don't want I her that you and your boyfriend aren't good over something so stupid like he forgot something. Especially after I tell you that I really want to date and that I feel like it won't happen because I'm social akward. I used to think ugly and even though part of me thinks so. I low that I'm actually decent looking. I wouldn't say pretty but I think good looking enough. It's just being a cow and a ducking giant that kinda puts me off. And again I'm working on the self esteem issues. But that's whatever. Right now I'm working on other things. Like this 40 day challenge tht me and my friend are doing. I was telling her that it takes 40 days to break a habit and because we've been having a hard last few weeks we decieded to do something about it. So we each choose five things that we have to do every day for the next 40 days. This being one of mine. I'll post the other stuff tomorrow. And I know I'm cutting it kinda close but what's a girl to do. Okay well she could do uni earlier. But thats whatever. This challenge is pretty much meant to help us get off our ass and figure our shit out. And I intend to do mine alone. I need to stop hating on friends because their so busy living their lives. Like so what if I thought of sucide and self harming this week. Or of this knowing ED tht seems to be edging its way back into my life. It shouldn't be up to my friends to watch out for me when they deal with stuff too so this is my shit to deal with. Anyways. I've ranted enough. Here's a picture from my blog of what my hair looks like after I take out my braids. First pictures is braids second is my hair. Anyone like the change or no?
Okay so I just wanted to say really quick that I truly had an amazing birthday. Probably the best one I've ever had. And it's because I truly am blessed. This was the message I was supposed to write at the end of Wednesday lol. And it is now early Friday morning. Many latter today when I'm not so tired I'll wrote about what I did for my birthday. Until then.