So I remember a post quite like this about a year ago and it seems so much different from that year ago. I'm still that nerdy girl that loves anime and manga and Yaoi and girls as well as guys and I'm still that same girl that messes up and makes mistakes and has to say sorry a million times only to make the same mistakes again. I also still don't like myself very much, but I'm learning to change that. There's all these things that are the same, both good and bad and I can't help but wonder about the things that are different, and that make me the kind of person I am, and want to be. I know that me and God are in a better place. I know that I'm getting help for my depression...and my anxiety. I know I want to write again, and draw. Something that I'm gonna try and do. If I draw or paint anything. I'll be sure to try and post it up here so that I can show you guys what I'm doing. I think that's what I really need right now. To have someone to talk to, and show things to, and grow with. To tell them that I want to date, I want to write, I want to be in a better relationship with God, and I want to fix myself. My depression. That's really hard. Inside I know that I want to get better, and I can write about all these amazing things I want for myself, and these truths, but it doesn't seems to matter sometimes. Because I can't get past this wall that I've put up. This wall that seems to block me from being there for people, or people being there for me. This wall that stops me from socializing and making friends. I still don't have any friends at school besides my roommates. And it's my fault really. I'm not that great at making them lol. But I guess I can try right. But before all that I need to see what my Doctor says about my depression. I haven't told her yet that I tried to kill myself a few weeks ago. . . I've never tried strangling myself...and I think what scared me was that it felt really good. Feeling dizzy, pulling tighter on the strings. That chocking sensation. Kinda morbid I know, but it was still really scary. And it wasn't the actual act that was scary, but rather the voice in my head that told me to do it, and then my hands following through. At the moment I felt nothing. Now it just seems scary...haha well here's to the start of a new year, and here's to the start of a new semester, and a new treatment plan. . . oh, and I'll tell you all about my journals latter on and about my weight loss one as well. That should be fun. 90 days of hell...lol, well till next time.
kayria_kara) wrote, 