December 15th, 2012

To chicken

Here we go again. I'm really screwing up aren't I? I need to fix whats mind. I had another session with my Doctor today. That was fun. She showed me how to breathe. So much fun... I have a doctor. Damn. Well what did I expect. Depression and anxiety. Usually a combination of death. ooh, the trill of a good death. That use to refer to a book. A movie...not to my life. My pathetic life.
Its been awhile. I want to say I'm sorry, but it'll happen again...and again. Or maybe it will suddenly stop. Not so suddenly. haha.
Why is it so hard to be perfect. To not mess up. to not feel so broken. so left alone. so lost. I hate this thing they call depression. So full of anger and hate and regret. So good at pushing people away. Anxiety. So good at keeping people away. Panic attacks I suffer alone. Oh, the irony of suddenly being alone. So alone. I wanted it. Needed it. Now I regret it. No one to stop me. Save me. . .
I'm home alone tonight. I'm actually scared. Theses feelings of anxiety have grown so much. Feelings of being worthless. Why can't I just self harm like any other person. Or better yet take the pills that so mocking laugh at me. Now more than ever.
Fuck. Make the pain go away. I beg of you God. Please. . . no...wait...Just do as you please. My cries. My pleas. My request. Is it enough? Do I need to come closer? Become stronger? Become strong?
Forgive me I am weak. Guide me I am lost. So lost.

Fuck! I'm so weak! So fucking weak!

M.S.W - I truly want to die... but I should stay strong...