Okay so I’ve decide to write up my journal on my computer today because I like the feel of typing and thinking at the same time. Yesterday was kind of a bad day for me. All I could think about was death and dying and being in perfect. I wanted to kill myself and that was a horrible feeling and I didn’t like it. I don’t like myself on most days but yesterday was horrible. I do get like that every once in a while so it was kind of expected. I tried avoiding my computer and my laptop or my phone for fear that I might do something stupid or be a bother to anyone one. When I get like that I tend to be needy and I learned from a friend that I shouldn’t do that. But I still want to start this week off good even though that hasn’t been the case so far and so I’m continuing my journals even though I don’t feel like writing one today to be honest.
Yesterday and today was kind of bum days I didn’t get to do what I wanted and I failed at being perfect. It shouldn’t be so hard right? Instead I messed up at home, outside or home, and just fucked everything up. I need to learn to shut up and not talk so much or to not talk back. I need to be more understanding and I need to figure out how to be perfect. It seems however that my list of things that I need to do by the end of the summer was a bust so I’m going to start off by doing them one at a time for a week and just focus on that and then add another thing and then another until I can do them all at once. Being perfect isn’t so hard, I just have to work harder, I just have to be better, happier, skinner, prettier, and just perfect. I can do that right?
Okay so I just went back to my list and I’m going to work on weight all summer and then one other thing every week along with it. The second thing on my list was to stop swearing. This is going to be hard considering I swear a lot, and at complete strangers too sometimes; but that’s only because their old and black and hit on me, and I don’t go for black and old perverted guys (even though I’m black; Not racists) I don’t get how I can even get hit on. I’m fucking huge, and not anywhere close to pretty, and way taller than I should be and I’ve got cuts and fat popping out and this horrible body. And just uggggggggggggg. I fucking hate it!! …crap no more swearing…that’s gonna start after this journal …or maybe excluding this journal. That way I can still vent normal without having to hold back. So no swearing outside of livejournal. I can do that! I have to be able to do that. This week is the first week to being perfect. I need to stop eating as well. (Not as much) I can’t even run because the weather is so bad. Like seriously? Snow! In April. May is in a week -__- but that being beside the point, I need to eat less, stop buying junk, and go running. Like lots of running, till I puke…maybe I should run after I eat… binging here I come…God I’m so messed up!
I can’t stand being me, I need to be better at it…on a completely different side note, I’ve been really depressed lately. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough friend. I haven’t texted leah in a while and Mike I keep forgetting things about, and krystal deserves better, and harpreet, netha, chris, usuma, and nesha need to see me be okay because I’ve been completely otherwise and it just fucking sucks! I want to go out and have sleep overs and buy stuff and dress up, and smile, and feel pretty, and worthy and like a kid…I want to sing, and cry and dance, and draw and read a book till its filled with my tears or watch a movie that has me on the floor dying of laughter. I want to live and I just can’t…I’m confined to my house and the only way out is through lying. I hate lying, I hate liars, and I can’t stand doing that on a daily, not when the truth is easier. With that being said I want to feel like I can really be there for my friends, but I don’t know how. I’m so socially awkward when it comes to this stuff that I think I might have a panic attack just thinking about it. So badly all I want right now is Marc…ya stupid fucking Marc, who up’s and leves without so much as a fucking reason. Completely out of the blue, and without any kind of hint. One day we were the best of friends and the next we weren’t even friends. I fucking hate him, and love him. All fucking week I’ve been thinking about him who knows me, and understands me, and helps me out, and makes me see past my stupidness, or my craziness. Marc who doesn’t judge me because of all my baggage but rather laughs at me and with me and talks to me and down on my. Who calls me stupid, and kara, and funny, and awesome, and …and…and I fucking hate him for leaving, and I hate myself more for wanting so badly to have him here. I’m I really such a fuck up that I can’t even let the past go? I wish for somebody to love me, to hold me, to care for me, to let me cry in their arms…but that’s impossible right? I don’t even love myself…Here’s hoping I can get through the rest of the week.
M.S.W – For karma to do its part
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.