New start

So I know I've had this title before but it's always good to start off fresh whenever I can. And not only is it do over Monday but it's also the beginning of a new month. I was in the hospital yesterday because I sprained my ankle. And right now I'm home all alone and I feel weird. I have an assignment that I should be working on. But instead I'm here posting an entry. I'm not sure how I feel about sone friends right now. I know I've been busy with school and I haven't been around as much. But it's not like it's because I have a boyfriend or the craziest social life. I just have school and my roommates. (moved out and switched schools) but lately my friends are ignoring my attempts to talk and even jeering and being quite frankly a bitch about certain things. And it makes me so mad. Why can't I be a bitch too and not feel bad about it. I feel alone right now and I kinda wish I had someone I was really close with and that actually listens to me. Everyone here seems involved with their phones and with jobs and guys or girls and about the next party or some fight or some drama that's a little awkward. I just wish that I didn't feel so left out and alone in a house full of people. Although my roommates are really nice. I wish I could be left alone and brought to a new place. No phones. No computers to communicate. Just me and something new.

M.S.W for life to be a little kindler

Cheers

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

School switch

All day I head nothing but your sister does this and your sister does that. She must have done this and she must have done that. She always works hard and always says the right thing. She's perfect. I'm not even close to it. But I'll get there, I have too. Eating less was kinda a bust today. I need to work to keep my mind off things. Things like food. I eat when I'm upset and I'm always upset. Fuck!
So I'm trying to switch schools and now my mom is saying that I should apply to my brothers school. Like really? No comment. I'm officially going to go insane soon. Like fuck, I want things to work out.

Cheers

M.S.W - To get closer to God, I need a rock in my life.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Not yet perfect

Okay so I’ve decide to write up my journal on my computer today because I like the feel of typing and thinking at the same time. Yesterday was kind of a bad day for me. All I could think about was death and dying and being in perfect. I wanted to kill myself and that was a horrible feeling and I didn’t like it. I don’t like myself on most days but yesterday was horrible. I do get like that every once in a while so it was kind of expected. I tried avoiding my computer and my laptop or my phone for fear that I might do something stupid or be a bother to anyone one. When I get like that I tend to be needy and I learned from a friend that I shouldn’t do that. But I still want to start this week off good even though that hasn’t been the case so far and so I’m continuing my journals even though I don’t feel like writing one today to be honest.

Yesterday and today was kind of bum days I didn’t get to do what I wanted and I failed at being perfect. It shouldn’t be so hard right? Instead I messed up at home, outside or home, and just fucked everything up. I need to learn to shut up and not talk so much or to not talk back. I need to be more understanding and I need to figure out how to be perfect. It seems however that my list of things that I need to do by the end of the summer was a bust so I’m going to start off by doing them one at a time for a week and just focus on that and then add another thing and then another until I can do them all at once. Being perfect isn’t so hard, I just have to work harder, I just have to be better, happier, skinner, prettier, and just perfect. I can do that right?

Okay so I just went back to my list and I’m going to work on weight all summer and then one other thing every week along with it. The second thing on my list was to stop swearing. This is going to be hard considering I swear a lot, and at complete strangers too sometimes; but that’s only because their old and black and hit on me, and I don’t go for black and old perverted guys (even though I’m black; Not racists) I don’t get how I can even get hit on. I’m fucking huge, and not anywhere close to pretty, and way taller than I should be and I’ve got cuts and fat popping out and this horrible body. And just uggggggggggggg. I fucking hate it!! …crap no more swearing…that’s gonna start after this journal …or maybe excluding this journal. That way I can still vent normal without having to hold back. So no swearing outside of livejournal. I can do that! I have to be able to do that. This week is the first week to being perfect. I need to stop eating as well. (Not as much) I can’t even run because the weather is so bad. Like seriously? Snow! In April. May is in a week -__- but that being beside the point, I need to eat less, stop buying junk, and go running. Like lots of running, till I puke…maybe I should run after I eat… binging here I come…God I’m so messed up!

I can’t stand being me, I need to be better at it…on a completely different side note, I’ve been really depressed lately. I don’t feel like I’m a good enough friend. I haven’t texted leah in a while and Mike I keep forgetting things about, and krystal deserves better, and harpreet, netha, chris, usuma, and nesha need to see me be okay because I’ve been completely otherwise and it just fucking sucks! I want to go out and have sleep overs and buy stuff and dress up, and smile, and feel pretty, and worthy and like a kid…I want to sing, and cry and dance, and draw and read a book till its filled with my tears or watch a movie that has me on the floor dying of laughter. I want to live and I just can’t…I’m confined to my house and the only way out is through lying. I hate lying, I hate liars, and I can’t stand doing that on a daily, not when the truth is easier. With that being said I want to feel like I can really be there for my friends, but I don’t know how. I’m so socially awkward when it comes to this stuff that I think I might have a panic attack just thinking about it. So badly all I want right now is Marc…ya stupid fucking Marc, who up’s and leves without so much as a fucking reason. Completely out of the blue, and without any kind of hint. One day we were the best of friends and the next we weren’t even friends. I fucking hate him, and love him. All fucking week I’ve been thinking about him who knows me, and understands me, and helps me out, and makes me see past my stupidness, or my craziness. Marc who doesn’t judge me because of all my baggage but rather laughs at me and with me and talks to me and down on my. Who calls me stupid, and kara, and funny, and awesome, and …and…and I fucking hate him for leaving, and I hate myself more for wanting so badly to have him here. I’m I really such a fuck up that I can’t even let the past go? I wish for somebody to love me, to hold me, to care for me, to let me cry in their arms…but that’s impossible right? I don’t even love myself…Here’s hoping I can get through the rest of the week.

Cheers

M.S.W – For karma to do its part

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

New

So it's about half an hour away from my do over Monday. For those that don't know, do over Monday is my fresh new start on everything. To wake up to a new day everyday and think new start seemed unrealistic as it was hard to deal with the shift of something do recent and waiting for a new year or month just seemed to long. So I decried for every week. You start on what ever day you want; for me Monday. And just basically do the week over. So Monday is do over days for me which is in half an hour. Now to get to my actually entry I want to first take a deep breath.
I'm gonna set my alarm and wake up early to do yoga then wash my dishes then do laundry then go for an hour run then shower. That's my morning. I'm going to find some fruit and eat that and try and tie myself down till I have to each lunch. New diet new life. New being happy. I'm gonna stop messing up, stop screwing up, stop being lazy and fat and I'm gonna stop being such a waste of life.
I spent today being angry and frustrated at the world. At friends that treated me like crap, that ignored me, that left on short notice, that wouldn't talk to me. I was just angry at them. At my mom at my dad at my siblings and the world. I'm gonna work hard from now on to please everyone.

Goals for summer

1. Lose weight
2. Don't swear
3. Don't get mad
4. Clean clean clean
5. Help out family more
6. Save money
7. Ron myself into the ground
8. Write, read, draw (paint)
9. Fond a workable daily routine
10. Be perfect. In every way, in every shape, in every manner. Don't anger parents (especially dad) and please everyone. Right now the self doesn't matter. Everyone needs to be happy. If their happy I'm happy.

Here's hoping I follow this list

Cheers

M.S.W- To get my goal weight by the end of summer.

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Fresh

Okay so it's been awhile and not writing every night is kinda annoying. I'm trying to get everything good and settled but I need to find the time to breathe aswell. This Sumer might be filled with the need to sneak out and lie but I need to take a break from that too when the time comes to really get focused on everything that needs to be done. Right now it's all about cleaning my room and making my lists again. Lists kinda keep me sane but the second I don't follow them I feel like I'm gonna snap.
I think I'm still letting this week run out before I really start off my summer. But here's hoping a summer at home won't kill me before I decked to :p

Cheers
M.S.W- To get my shit together

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Not again

I feel so gross. so fat. so disgusting. I think I might relapse again. I need to get things to be okay but I don't know how. I should stop eating so much. I'm gonna skip dinner to night...fuck! I feel like crying. I want to cut so bad, it hurts to even think about it. I keep messing up things my room is horribly messy that I can bearly see the ground. My house is facing a rat infestation and I think I'm going to be sick tonight. I think I'm going to fucking cry. Me and my dad aren't getting along and I think this is it for our relationship. Should I care, do I need to keep on tryining. But why should I? He's the one cheating, he's the one thats thinking the worst of me. I just gotta start somewhere right? I don't know where to start and with trying to get into this knew school I feel like I might not really have a change at figuring out what needs to be done. I might very well fail school and not get in. I fucking hate my life right now. Why can't I go through with all these stupid things.

Cheers

M.S.W-I'm not sure today.

Infuriating

Infuriating! That's what my parents are at times. I just told my mom that I don't like arguing and she laughed and said you who's going to be a lawyer! Fucking... Just argggggg. Like fuck. How do I tell her I don't want to go to law school?!? Just say it right? Believe me, I've tired. I'm so annoyed its not even funny. Why can't she get that I don't want to go into law? *sigh* life is blah right this instant.
I feel really bloated and fat lately. I'm waiting for school to end but I think my ED might act up again. Here's hoping it doesn't. It might be worse. I don't like binging.

Cheers

M.S.W. - for my mom to hear me out

I feel the need to do this.

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Starting over

Okay so shuts hit the fan when I come home and I don't like it. It's frustrating. Always being wrong. Never doing anything write. Knowing to much. Or not enough. Acting out of place, out of turn. Wanting to die one second and live another. This depression is killing me. Part of me I think. I want to live but I'm scared too. I want to cry but I want to eventually stop. Switching schools should be good for me. But it's so scary and real and far and out of reach. I need to figure things out. I'm not sure I know how. But saying that right now I just thought of God. It seems I have forgotten myself once again. God please grant me peace and understanding.

Something about this picture shows how I feel when I turn the corner and see my house. What do you feel?

Cheers

M.S.W- to start this daily routine again.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.